the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My balls are so social today.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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