I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
