I murdered the dance floor call the cops
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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