i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
