i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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