We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
