i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
