im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
