Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
