I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
