A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
