Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
