I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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