yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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