I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he fucked my hip out of place.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
