I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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