uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
