hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
