Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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