I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
