The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
