Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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