my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
