Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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