She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
