I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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