Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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