the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
