At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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