Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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