I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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