I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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