What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
