i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
