Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
