you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
