he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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