I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
