Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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