dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
