If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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