I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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