just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
