Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
