i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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