remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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