your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it was like eating out sand paper
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
