The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
