I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
