ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
