what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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