Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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