i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
