# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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