She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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