I am puke
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
