i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
