Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
