I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
